Adventures in Acolyting

If you know little else about me, surely you know that I love serving as crucifer, that I take the ministry of acolyte very seriously, and that I could easily be accused of being a “liturgy nazi” in our little parish.

This morning, I was reminded of the benefits of “cross-training” among those who serve at the altar. I was serving as one of the two Lay Eucharistic Ministers. After the offertory, the crucifer and LEMs moved to the altar with our priest, but the crucifer had a decidedly green cast about him. Words were spoken quietly, with our rector giving him permission to duck out the sacristy door, assuring him I could “fill in.” Which I did, of course.

You who follow this blog know that I would rather serve as crucifer in this parish (roughly analogous to subdeacon in a cathedral) than as LEM. Today, I got the best of both worlds. I got to assist the priest in setting the altar … then I got to administer the chalice. It doesn’t get much better than that.

And – best of all – our rector, just returned from a month’s vacation, was home today and she was dynamite. After all our parish has gone through in the past month, she preached absolutely The Perfect Sermon.

It was a great Sunday in the parish.

But I digress.

Or perhaps I’m just leading in.

I give thanks to Beth Felice for finding this site, which proposes (tongue in cheek) a Liturgical Acolyte Screener. Go read it there.

But just in case that site should disappear before my blog disappears, I am copying it below. Read and laugh!

Liturgical Acolyte Screener (LAS)

Tired of sloppily dressed acolytes? Annoyed by the wearing of untied red Converse Hightops? Does the latest Jay-Z ringtone interrupt the flow of liturgy? We’ve solved this problem by installing the Liturgical Acolyte Screener in the narthex. Manned by highly-trained LAS professionals who are personally trained by the parish verger, acolytes are required to walk through the LAS prior to processions.

From here

The device picks up uncombed hair (offenders are directed to a grooming station before reentering the screening process); cottas in disarray; ringtones that fail to match the opening hymn; footwear that is any color other than black; bad attitudes (surly acolytes are sent to the attitude adjustment station staffed by members of the altar guild – if they don’t shape up they are required to remain with the altar guild for the duration of the liturgy; we no longer have acolytes with bad attitudes); and bad posture.

With cutting edge technology, the LAS can distinguish between a thurible and an i-Phone. The thurible passes; the i-Phone is confiscated. It also picks up tie-dyed stoles and guitars. We keep confiscated items in a locked closet off the narthex. Phones are returned after the service while ugly or inappropriate vestments are burned. Needless to say cassock-albs are cast into the fiery furnace.

I hope you will consider having an LAS installed at your church. The weeping and gnashing of teeth is a small price to pay for liturgical correctness.

Coming soon is the Organ Zapper, or OZ, that immediately shuts down any organ that plays “It is I Lord” or anything composed after 1900 unless it is in the Hymnal 1982 or 1940. It also ejects the offending organist into the outer darkness.

I love that! How 'bout you?