Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Communion Instructions

I received this recently from my friend Seamus. I Googled a bit, and found this funny bit has been circulating at least since late 2007, but I can’t find an author to credit. I had not seen it before. I hope you might enjoy it ... even if I am more than three years behind the curve.

A Memo from the Rector:

Dear Brothers and Sisters and Significant Others in Christ:

I have noticed with growing alarm a growing state of confusion surrounding the distribution of Communion. As someone with a keen interest in the correct and proper procedures, let me take a few moments and explain exactly how things are supposed to be done.

All baptized persons are welcome to receive Holy Communion as long as they believe in the Real Presence of Christ as either Risen Lord, Rabbinic Authority, Holy Spirit Person, or Great Ethical Teacher.

If you prefer to receive Communion under the conventional species of bread (St.Mary's Convent, Wahoo, Nebraska) and wine (Ernest and Julio Gallo Classic Port, California, 1994), please stand or kneel with your hands by your sides at the rail. If the nitrates in the Port induce nasal congestion, a light Chablis (Sutter Home, 1993) or Zinfandel (Paul Masson, April) is offered, depending on availability. Please indicate this preference by placing your right hand behind your head.

Two non-alcoholic options are also offered. For red grape juice (Tucker's Berry Farms), place your left hand behind your head. If you prefer a white, pasteurized grape juice product, kindly place both hands behind your head.

To express solidarity with oppressed farm workers in the grape industry, place both hands tightly over your mouth and hum La Marseillaise. To receive an ordinary, unleavened Communion wafer, kindly wink your right eye as the minister approaches. For a certified, organic, whole-grain wafer, wink your left eye. For low-salt, low-fat bread, close both eyes for the remainder of the service. For gluten-free bread, blink both eyes rapidly while looking at the ceiling.

Children may receive a blessed animal cracker by showing the minister that they can cross their eyes. Parents who are concerned about the violence implied in eating animal-shaped foods may join a support session that will try to lobby the church for change. It meets in the parish hall on Tuesday evening after the Anthony DeMello reading group.

Unfortunately, we have had to discontinue the distribution of blessed Gummy Bears to the children after Billy Watson's recent diagnosis of ADD. We are sure everyone understands how traumatic it would be for him to receive his toasted rice cake while all the other children were chewing their Gummy Bears.

Next, a word on consumption of the host. If it is your custom and preference to have the Precious Body placed in your hand, please cup them together in front of you. If you are expressing a wine preference, the minister will allow ample time to change postures. If you feel uncomfortable holding the Lord in your hands, simply assume the baby bird position as the minister approaches. Be sure not to extend your neck so far that the acolyte cannot see your eyelids by which you will express your bread preference.

Finally, for those with airborne allergies, you should know that the associate rector wears large amounts of Royal Copenhagen given to him by his mother at Christmas. The rector may or may not be wearing cologne, but her mother has been known to wash her cassock in scented laundry detergent and dry it with a Downy sheet in the machine. The deacon is wearing all-cotton garments washed in pure organic soap and rinsed with mountain spring water. She is wearing no scented products and scrubs her hands with antibacterial soap approved for use in neonatal intensive care nurseries.

At St. George's it is our commitment to see that the worship experience will be as meaningful, efficient, and error-free as possible.

In this vein, an electronic billboard will soon be installed over the altar outlining these instructions. Please note that traditional options flash in blue and organic food options flash in orange for easy reference. If someone has any additional questions about worship, please join me for coffee in the parish hall, where I will be beginning a thirty-two-week series entitled "Identifying Thirteenth-Century Monastic Communities through Hair and Garment Analysis."

= = =
That amused me. It also reminds me of how ludicrous we can become in our efforts to be politically correct. Let’s lighten up, my friends.

In that vein, I offer this from ICHC.

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures


Blogger Kirkepiscatoid said...

I am cracking up!

If I had to be a Lay Eucharistic minister through all that, I would throw in my chalice. LOL

5/12/2010 10:01 PM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

Good! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

5/12/2010 10:50 PM  
Blogger IT said...

That's funny.

5/12/2010 11:58 PM  
Blogger susan s. said...

I've seen other versions of this, but this is the most complete version so far. We actually have a signal for wafer as opposed to pita bread(yes, I know it's awful). The communicant pinches the air between thumb and forefinger!

5/13/2010 10:15 AM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

OMG, Susan! I assumed most of this "memo" was fictional. But your account is a "truth is stranger than fiction" addition.

5/13/2010 7:02 PM  

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