Thursday, January 07, 2010

The Real, Working Beliefs of Episcopalians

I received this from a friend a while back. He described them as the real, working beliefs of most Episcopalians. I hope that’s not quite true, but they are pretty apt characterizations of the Episcopal Tribe.

This may have made the rounds already, but I think it's worth a chuckle.

  • Episcopalians occasionally believe in miracles and sometimes even expect them, particularly during stewardship canvasses, when electing bishops or rectors, or recruiting church school teachers.
  • Episcopalians believe in ecumenical dialogue because they are certain that after all is said and done, everyone else is bound to become Episcopalian.
  • Episcopalians strongly believe in Scripture, tradition and reason. While they aren't sure what they believe about these three things, there is almost universal agreement that that is hardly the point.
  • Episcopalians believe that everything in their life and faith is improved by the presence of good food and drink, not including lime-carrot Jell-O, tropical punch Kool-Aid, or canned tuna in any form.
  • Episcopalians believe that anything worth doing is especially worth doing if it has an obscure name attached to it (e.g., sexton, suffragan, canon, sacristan, verger, thurifer, etc.). By the bye, MS spell-checker doesn’t even have “thurifer” in its dictionary.
  • Likewise, Episcopalians believe that any place worth visiting is greatly enhanced by a name that only obliquely describes it (e.g., nave, narthex, sacristy, undercroft, chancel, etc.).
  • Episcopalians firmly believe that coffee hour is the eighth sacrament, but only if the coffee is caffeinated.
  • Episcopalians believe that anthems are most efficacious if sung in Latin or German, especially during Lent.
  • Some Episcopalians believe Rite I is the best expression of the liturgy. Some believe Rite II is better. Most Episcopalians haven't noticed the difference; they just hope the whole thing gets over before noon.
This cranky Episcopalian would add one more: Real Episcopalians eschew the “Merry Christmas” greeting during the time from Halloween to Christmas Eve, and will persist in saying “Merry Christmas” from Christmas to Epiphany.

What additions would you offer?


Blogger Wormwood's Doxy said...

A corollary to #1:

Episcopalians think it is really gauche to talk about money...but get really upset when their favorite parish program gets cut because pledges weren't enough to cover the budget.

1/07/2010 5:17 PM  
Blogger IT said...

Oh that's funny....

1/07/2010 5:58 PM  
Blogger IT said...

BTW I would add something that Real Episcopalians believe that fellowship should be lubricated by judicious consumption of fermented or distilled beverages.

I haven't stopped laughing about that since I realized the integrity eucharist at GC was preceded by a no-host bar.

(The martinis were excellent.)

1/07/2010 6:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

You are right, Doxy!

1/07/2010 7:21 PM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

Indeed, IT. It is true.

1/07/2010 7:22 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

And except for Lisa's points 5 & 8, all these are also true for Presbyterians, Lutherans, .... which is one of the reasons "Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise" (see strikes a, um, chord.

1/08/2010 12:25 PM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

OK, Karen, maybe most of these are true for all mainstream churches.

1/09/2010 11:01 PM  
Blogger IT said...

I have it from very good sources this last circulated about Lutherans.

1/10/2010 11:31 PM  
Blogger Kirkepiscatoid said...

Lutherans eat Jello. In fact, they will coordinate Jello colors liturgicaly. As an expatriate Lutheran, I can vouch for this!

1/14/2010 7:37 AM  

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