Thursday, October 30, 2008

Open Letter to the Red States

This letter apparently began circulating in 2004, and has seen a rebirth in the blogosphere in the last few days. I do hope and pray that Obama will win the election, so we can get back to the business of rebuilding this one, now fragile nation. But if the unthinkable should occur … this letter is ready to go. Enjoy! (And thanks, Michael, for sending it to me.)

And, yes, I recognize that Missouri, the state in which I currently reside, is likely to go for McCain. If so, Missouri deserves to be left in the dust of history.

Early on in this election cycle, I tried to be open-minded. I was wary of Obama. But with all that has happened in the past two months, I cannot -- cannot for the life of me -- understand why any thinking person in America would vote for McCain and that national embarrasment, Sarah Palin.

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election, we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias, and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Peace out,
Blue States

But for a reality check, here's the current electoral map from It is a thing of beauty.


Blogger Hilary said...

I love this. has MO leaning Obama, and since I use Webster Groves yard signs as the ultimate, & accurate, poll :-), I'm keeping my hopes up.

Also, my kids' elementary school held a vote and Obama won by a landslide. So there.

Besides, if McCain wins, we're moving to Canada.

10/31/2008 10:01 AM  
Blogger Wormwood's Doxy said...

NC looks to be leaning Obama as well---but if we don't, and you go off and leave me stuck here with a bunch of brain-dead yahoos, I will never forgive you!

There's got to be a way to carve out the bright-blue spots on the map and add them to the state of Nuevo California...

10/31/2008 10:13 AM  
Blogger Cany said...

Lisa: I will trade you most of Central California for Doxy and Bonnie.except we have to keep our TEC friends in the Central Valley, also. And too. You betcha.

Might get a little sticky, but we can work it out.

Oh what a wonderful new state:)

10/31/2008 2:19 PM  
Blogger Lauralew said...

I do like this article.

Thinking about the red state kids so eager to go to war, I'm reminded of my son's step mother, whose own son has been twice to Iraq. "If he dies," she confided, "I'll be proud that he died for such a good cause."

I thought I'd throw up. That family lives in Sedalia, where I'm from, btw. And the entire extended family, knowing I've been Obama all the way, all consider me a traitor (although I'm a military vet myself).

I too am buoyed by the map you show and like Hilary, I say I'd move to Canada. Problem is, I don't have enough practice hours to get a nursing license there, so I'd have to wait.

10/31/2008 4:31 PM  
Blogger Fred Schwartz said...

What a thing of beauty. cany, I thank you for keeping those of us that live in the valley. Please keep in mind to get to Yosemite "ya gotta come thru us!"

11/01/2008 1:05 AM  
Blogger Göran Koch-Swahne said...

I pinched this for my own Blog yesterday, because I find it's important to know about this even for Swedes.


11/02/2008 2:07 AM  
Blogger Barbi Click said...

Who knows? this could be the year that MO goes Blue!!!!!!! We have the St. Louis Blues after all!!!!! LOL
100K in St. Louis; 40K in Springfield...that's a good indication!
Our prayers ascending!

11/02/2008 3:26 PM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

I've been away for the weekend, but I'm glad you all enjoyed this.

Like so many of you, I am marooned in what's generally been a Red State. I don't know what I'll do if we can't turn it around. Petition for special entry into Nuevo California, I hope. For I just cannot move into the cold climes to the north.

Vote! Every vote will count Tuesday.

11/03/2008 12:34 AM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

A special shout-out to Göran and our international readers: I am deeply ashamed of what the U.S. has done in the past eight years. We have not been good citizens in the world. What's been done "in my name" was not in my name. I pray there will be change come Tuesday, so that the U.S. will again become a citizen of the world and not the empire that George W. Bush & Dick Cheney have tried to make us.

World, I apologize to you. I hope we do better on Tuesday.

11/03/2008 12:39 AM  
OpenID bfelice said...

Hi Lisa, and good luck to us all tomorrow. Slightly off topic: if you remove the trailing forward slash on the two hyperlinks to Diocesan Lui pages, I think they will resolve correctly. Know you all are busy preparing for the next trip, but can we update the Lui page a little?

11/03/2008 9:57 PM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

Gosh, Beth, thanks for dropping in. I'm ... well ... amazed. I thought I was mostly flying below the diocesan radar.

I see now that my links to the Lui pages aren't working. Will try to go back into my settings and fix them.

Yes, I would like to beef up the diocesan Lui pages. VERY MUCH LIKE! The folks who have traveled there have gazillions of photos, PowerPoint presentations, and audio. All we need is time and someome(s) (like you and me) to make it happen. Let's try to make some time to talk during Convention. We really do have some compelling images and audio that I think would enrich the site.

11/03/2008 10:08 PM  
Blogger Suzer said...

What thrills me to death is that even Georgia is a close call!

11/04/2008 7:48 PM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

Indeed, Suzer.

I am hopefully, guardedly optimistic.

11/04/2008 9:22 PM  
Blogger Steven Kennedy said...

The arrogance and historical ignorance of liberals knows no bounds. I have heard this modern day secessionist chatter before, and am extremely irritated over the fact that 600,000 people died between 1861-1865 to establish the principle that there is no secession, certainly not to be thrown about lightly over something as relatively trivial as any of our recent national elections have been. And the suggestion that red state residents are all stupid hicks and bumpkins living in "flyover country" is more indicative of the intellectual myopia of the liberals than those they seek to label.

11/05/2008 9:16 AM  
Blogger Lisa Fox said...

LOL, Steven. Like so many on the "right," you lack a sense of humor or irony.

Alas, I do live in a miserable red state in fly-over country. Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother to vote, when my vote will be outweighed 3-to-1 by ignorant hillbillies. Yep, that's my name for them. The poor fools buy into "Joe the Plumber" and his stupid rhetoric; they are pitiful. Their IQs are about equivalent to the number of teeth they have remaining in their mouths. I know these people. I'm not some "Eastern elite" talking about them from a distance.

11/05/2008 8:57 PM  

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